


at least out loud

by pxlarity



Series: when love arrives [1]
Category: Football RPF
Genre: Borussia Dortmund, Canon Compliant, Denial of Feelings, Disney Movies, Disney Songs, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Heartbreak, Injury, Injury Recovery, Light Angst, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 19:36:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15736014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pxlarity/pseuds/pxlarity
Summary: Marco thought that after three misfires at a relationship with a teammate, he’d learn his lesson. Then Auba does what he does and it all goes to relative shit.





	at least out loud

**Author's Note:**

> The song "I won’t say I’m in love" from Hercules is Marco’s anthem and nothing can convince me otherwise. 
> 
> This work isn't beta-read, so please excuse my mistakes.

Marco blames it on his little nephew, Nico, whose wishes he just simply can’t deny. 

 

It's December 2016, time for the winter break. Marco decides that he wants to spend that time with his family. Dortmund has had an awful lot of draws as of late, and even if one of them was against Real Madrid, they need to get better. He and the rest of the team need to get back on their feet and start winning matches again. To do that, they also need time to take their minds off of things. A break should do exactly that.

 

He has just met up with his sister and her family a while back. And for some reason, Marco ends up accompanying Nico watch Disney’s Hercules while his sister and her husband go out. Nico’s sitting on the edge of the couch excitedly as Marco searches for the movie. Marco is pretty sure that he has watched that movie before, though he barely remembers anything about it. It’s not an issue. It’s probably a good movie, just like most Disney movies are. However, as he watches the movie, he finds himself particularly attached with one of the scenes, or rather,  _ song _ in the movie. It’s not too difficult to guess which one it is. The lyrics  _ really _ speak to Marco and his situation as of late.

 

Look, Marco won’t say he’s in love with his teammate.

 

Another one, yes.

 

The scene opens and Megara is in a garden, flower in hand. She starts to sing and Marco tries not to grunt or sigh at the lyrics. It’s not bad at all, no, it’s actually too true. He can’t believe that a kid’s movie is making him realize that he has yet again, made the mistake of falling in love with a teammate. If there is a prize for rotten judgement, Marco has clearly already won that. He can’t help but to feel personally attacked when the living statue women, or whatever they are, start singing to Megara about how she’s totally denying that she’s in love with Hercules. He hates to admit it, but the situation is all too relatable for him. On the brightside, Marco thinks that he's probably found his favorite Disney princess. After all, he's never been able to relate to a princess’ problem before this.

 

But who can blame him? It’s not like it’s difficult to get attached to someone like Auba.

 

Yes, he’s just a little bit attached, that’s all. He’s not in love. He’s not that stupid, and he’s not that much of a masochist either. Over the years, Marco has found himself heartbroken because of his teammates for far more often that he’d like to. It’s stupid. He’s stupid. After the third time, after Mats, he should have learned his lesson. He can't keep falling for momentary happiness when he always gets hurt in the end. But the truth is, it's always so irresistibly good in the start. So much so that Marco feels like he has no choice but to fall. Then, as per usual, he gets left behind to fucking Bayern Munich. It’s always like that, every damn time. Meet. Fall in love. They leave. And Marco gets his already fucked up heart even more broken. Perfect.

 

This cursed cycle should’ve ended with Mats. 

 

-

 

Sometime in late March 2016, Mats told him he was leaving to Bayern Munich. Where Mario was. Where Lewy was. Leaving Marco, again.

 

The falling out came soon after. Marco wasn’t quite sure if it made watching Mats move easier or harder. Hell, he wasn’t even sure if Mats moved because they were bound to end, or if it was the other way around. The break up was definitely not a pretty one, especially on Marco’s end. He thought that because Mats had seen how broken he was when Mario and Lewy left, he’d never make him go through the same thing again. Turns out, he was wrong. After Mats left, Marco became captain and that was pretty great, but then he got injured. The one thing that could’ve comforted him was taken away just like that. Marco’s life was going up and down like a damned rollercoaster. It crushed him. He missed a part of the 2016-2017 season where Dortmund was doing well in the league and in the Champions League. During that period, he missed seventeen games for his club. Marco felt absolutely useless because of that.

 

The pain of missing out on playing time felt even more painful than the injury itself. Every time he watched his teammates play, he felt an immense urge to help them out on the pitch. But Marco had gone through an injury before. He knew he had to be patient if he truly wanted to play again as soon as he could. Rehab was and always will be a heinous, long, and aggravating process. It's nasty. The unpleasant process did give him some time to think about a lot of stuff in his life. Mostly about his career and injuries. Occasionally about Mats. Maybe Lewy. Or Mario. Not about Auba though, he wouldn't allow it. It was a horrid period, overthinking things was the last thing he needed in his life. He needed to play. He wanted to get on the pitch as soon as possible, but he knew he had to be patient.

 

-

 

November 2016

 

Marco got to play again. He would say that he did exceptional. Marco would gladly take a brace, an assist, and an 8-4 win over Legia Warsaw as a comeback. Things were going greatly, they topped their Champions League group above Real Madrid. Their form in the league could've been better as they had a lot more draws than they’d ever hope to have, but they were optimistic. It was around this time that he realized that he kind of, maybe, liked Auba more than he should. At that point, he’d been playing with Auba for three years, more or less. They had always been close, always been good friends with each other, but there had never been anything more. Yet the sensation of playing with him, of how well they connect on the pitch, it was all so great. It felt like Mario and Lewy all over again. Even with Mats, despite him being a defender. Either way, the point is; They connected.

 

The moment that thought came up in his mind, Marco's heart, his head, all of him immediately screamed  _ no. Not another one, please. _ He and Auba were fine as it is. They had been friends for three years already and Marco didn't want to do anything that might ruin that. He would be risking friendship and also heartbreak. Marco didn't want, didn't need Auba's affections. Nothing good would come out of this, he just knew it. Yet sometimes Auba sends him glances and smiles that make him think otherwise. He wondered if it had always been that way, but Marco just never noticed because he had other things, other  _ people _ in mind. Whether it was true or not, Marco decided that he wouldn’t act on it. While he could decide to do that, feelings don’t lie. He may not realize it, but something was blooming between them. Marco was returning the looks and smiles in a way that was more than friendly.

 

Marco kept insisting to himself that they had been as close as they had always been. Nothing more, nothing less. The truth was, they had become closer. And Marco had never been too good at hiding his emotions, so people started to notice. Not a lot of them, but the ones who had been friends with Marco for a while recognized it all too easily. People like Schmelle. 

 

-

 

It was December 2016, sometime before the winter break starts. As Marco was about to leave the training ground for the last time that year, Schemelle called out to him. Marco slowed his step down and let Schmelle catch up. He continued to walk towards the parking lot and Schemelle followed him while smiling like an idiot. If Marco wasn't so used to this, he would ask why he was acting so weird. In truth, he hated the fact that he was already so familiar with that smug ‘I know your secret’ kind of smile Schmelle had. It was because that smile meant that he fucked up. It was because Schmelle thought he knew that Marco was in love with someone. Well, he was right most of the time. That was the case with Lewy and Mats. But not this time, not again. This time Schemelle was wrong and he would do anything to prove it.

 

He giggled like a kid at Marco's sour expression. “You know, I've been trying to figure this out for a while, but now I see it.”

 

“What are you on about?” Marco asked, refusing to look at his friend.

 

“Please, you know what this is about,” Schemelle beamed. When Marco didn’t reply, he continued, “So, Auba huh?”

 

It took Marco some effort to not stop in his tracks. His friend always seemed to know things about other people before they even knew it. He wasn’t the reigning champion when it comes to bets within the Dortmund team for nothing.

 

Marco looked at him incredulously. “What? What sort of nonsense are you talking about?”

 

“You and him, aren't you an item?” he asked.

 

Marco shook his head and denied it immediately. “No. No, no. Of course not. What made you think- That's just not- not true, you know? We're good friends is all.”

 

If Schmelle wasn't so sure already, Marco's stutters clearly gave him away. His friend smiled at him knowingly, but he didn’t laugh at or point out the fact that Marco was stuttering as if he was a groggy teenager. He was grateful for that, at least.

 

“I know what you're like when you're in love. I’ve known for a while now that there is someone. I just didn't know who. Now though, it’s clear as day,” Schmelle chimed.

 

“For God's sake,” Marco grunted, “I'm not in love with Auba. Or anyone for that matter.”

 

Schmelle shook his head, “No, no. I didn’t just meet you yesterday, you know? I can see right through you. I've seen you fall in love enough times to recognize the symptoms.”

 

Marco sped up so Schmelle wouldn’t be able to see his expression. “Then you should know I'm definitely not going to make the same mistake again, hm?”

 

“Well,” Schmelle said as he adjusted his pace to catch up to Marco, “sometimes falling in love isn't exactly something you choose.”

 

“Yeah well, regardless, there's no way I'm in love with him,” Marco repeated.

 

“You're so in denial Marco. I’ve seen how you look at him,” Schmelle insisted. Marco rolled his eyes and tried to ignore him, but he didn’t falter. “Honestly, I'd be surprised if no one else knew about this.”

 

Marco responded coldly, “There’s nothing to know about.”

 

“What's the point of hiding it?” 

 

“I'm not even trying to hide anything,” Marco scoffed.

 

“Oh come on, I know you're thinking about him.” Schmelle slung his arm around Marco’s shoulder to avoid the latter escaping from him. “Face it Marco, you've got it bad.”

 

“No,” Marco sighed, more tired than annoyed. “It's a shitty cliché at this point Schemele. There's no chance that I'm going to go at this with another teammate.”

Schmelle took a while to think before he spoke this time. He had a sympathetic look on his face that made it hard for Marco to get mad at his stubbornness. It was a look that said  _ I’m saying this for your sake. It’s all for you. _ “Look, I'm just saying, you can keep denying it but I'm just not buying that you have zero feelings for him.” 

 

“Well maybe I do. But-“ Marco hesitated, “I'm not just going to give in this time, okay? I really don't want to end up crying my heart out again.”

 

This time Schmelle’s eyes had pity in them. Marco wasn’t a fan of that, not a fan of being pitied. Especially for his love life, because that would just be plain embarrassing. He wasn’t some fragile being who can’t handle heartbreak. He was just someone who didn’t particularly want to be heartbroken when he had so much more to focus on. At this point, Marco just wanted to escape the conversation, but Schmelle’s voice was soft and he chose his words carefully.“I know people have hurt you Marco, but it's okay to be in love again you know?” he paused, “Maybe he's different.”

 

“I know he is. They were all different and look how it all ended,” Marco said bitterly. “Not going to happen again, not a chance.”

 

Now that Marco had seen it, he didn’t quite like how guilty Schmelle looked after what he said. But it was the truth. Marco knew that his friend cared for him, and he was only being this stubborn because he wanted Marco to be happy. Still, only Marco could decide when he was ready to love again. And who that person would be. No matter what, his happiness was in his own hands, not anyone else’s. 

 

“Okay, okay. I'm going to leave you alone about this.” Schmelle said as he removed his arm from Marco’s shoulder. His expression was much more understanding and much less insistent now. “All I'm saying is that he seems to be interested too and maybe, if you gave him the chance, you two could be good together.”

 

“We already are as it is,” Marco murmured.

 

“If you think so,” Schmelle held his hands up in surrender, “I won't say another word.”

 

Marco’s eyes met his friends’ and he said gently, “I know you’re doing this for me, but I'm just not in love.”

 

Schmelle nodded and smiled, “Mhm, that’s alright. If you say you aren’t, then so be it.”

 

After that, Schmelle immediately changed the topic. The latter talked about the things he and his family did the other weekend, then about his holiday plans. Marco found a bit funny how the conversation had developed from the start to the end. Still, he listened and commented once in a while until they arrived to the parking lot. They bid each other goodbye and part ways towards their respective cars. Marco entered his car and started his engine, but he didn’t drive away immediately. Instead, he thought back on the conversation about Auba and wondered if he had been unconsciously pining. It made him feel a bit helpless, was it really inevitable? Will he definitely fall in love again? Was he in love already? And if it went anywhere, will it end in heartbreak again?

 

“I'm not in love,” Marco muttered.

 

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and spoke again. Surer, this time. “I'm definitely not in love.”

 

A loud car honk interrupted his little meditative session. It almost made him jump on his seat. He rolled his window down and stuck his head out to scold whoever did it. Probably a teammate, he thought to himself. Then, Marco saw what car it was and immediately recognized who it belongs to. The person in it was grinning at him with his windows also rolled down.  _ Oh, Marco was fucked. _ Marco was so fucked.

 

“Hey, what're you doing?” Auba asked cheerily.

 

Marco freezed for a second, then got back to being startled, “Oh Jesus- fuck Auba stop startling me.”

 

“Sorry man, didn't mean to.” Auba grinned sheepishly.

 

Their eyes met and Marco felt his heart beat faster. Auba’s smile didn’t falter. Suddenly, Marco felt the urgent need to escape. “Uh, I've got an appointment after this, I better go now.”

 

For a moment, it felt like Auba noticed that there was something off with him. If he actually did notice, Marco was glad he decided to not comment on it. Instead, he shrugged and said, “Alright then. Have a nice holiday!”

 

“Yeah, you too!” Marco replied as Auba drove away.

 

The German watched as Auba’s car disappeared on the road amongst other cars. When it was completely out of sight, Marco slumped into his seat.

 

“I need to get a fucking grip,” Marco muttered as he gripped tightly at his driving wheel.

 

After that, he drove back home with the radio’s volume maxed out. The last thing he needed was silence, the one thing that always makes him think too much. He didn’t really want to think about anything except for the road right now. Didn’t want to think about Auba especially. Auba and his stupid charming grin. Auba and his French accent. Auba and his fancy car, fancy suit, and fancy personality. Aaaand he was doing it. He was thinking about him. At this point Marco would gladly forget the way back to his own home if that would make him stop thinking about Auba. He wasn’t in love. He couldn’t be.

 

-

 

Marco is sitting on the couch, arms loosely around Nico who’s sitting beside him. The scene ends and changes to the next. It almost makes Marco sigh in relief. Can he really not, even just for a moment, escape from his troublesome love life? The answer is apparently no, because midway through the movie, he gets a text. From Auba. Half of Marco feels warm and the other half of him wants to curse. He considers ignoring it, but it’s Auba. He can’t possibly do that. Marco unlocks his phone and opens the text. It’s a picture of his food in a hotel restaurant. 

 

_ Auba: this is the french food i was telling you about. Remind me to make you try this when we get back to dortmund, k? _

 

_ Auba: i’ll pay, no worries ;p _

 

In the end, Marco can’t help but to smile at the message and texts back with a witty line about wanting to try any French food as long as Auba’s paying. He puts his phone away and continues watching the movie. By the end of it, Marco actually learns something from it. There’s probably a lot to learn from Hercules, but the one thing Marco has actually learned is that maybe it’s okay he’s in love. As long as Auba doesn’t find out. Or maybe-

 

Nico calls Marco to help him get the ice cream they keep in the freezer before he can finish his train of thought. For now, he decides to leaves it there. He’s going to enjoy his family time when he can. He’ll have plenty of time to think about Auba when the break ends. For now though, he’s decided that at least out loud, he’s not going to say he's in love.

 

-

 

It’s 2017 now. They get back to training on January and Marco has just stepped into the training ground for the first time that year. It’s already pretty crowded, some are already on the pitch while others are still changing into the training kits. Marco greets his teammates and goes on to put his stuff in his locker. His mood today is actually pretty damn good, the break was definitely something he needed. He’s putting his bag down and taking out the things he needs when he subconsciously hums  _ the song _ . Yes, seriously. The “I Won't Say I'm in Love” song. German footballer Marco Reus, Borussia Dortmund superstar, is humming a Disney song about not wanting to admit to being in love. 

 

And of course, considering his luck, nobody notices except for the one person who shouldn't.

 

“Won't say you’re in love, huh?”

 

The questions startles Marco. He can't believe that Auba, of all people, overheard him. And recognizes the song too for that matter. He can just feel his cheeks warming up because of the question.The amused look on Auba's face doesn’t help much either. Marco scrambles to find an answer, even when he should be able to answer it easily.

 

“Uh, yeah, Nico, you know. Watched that movie with him and got this song stuck in my head somehow,” Marco laughs awkwardly.

 

“It's a good song,” Auba nods. “So even you like Disney movies, huh?”

 

Marco would sigh in relief because the situation’s clear for now, but that would make him too suspicious. He settles for a shrug, “Who doesn't really?”

 

“You want to watch some of ‘em after this then? Just the two of us,” Auba asks as he runs his fingers through his hair. The way he says it is casual, but something in his voice gives him away.

 

Marco blinks, trying to process the question. Because it sounds almost like Auba's asking him on a date. Movie nights are not an uncommon thing for the team. It doesn't happen very often, but it's not particularly rare either. The thing is, it's always been a team thing. Auba's never asked him to watch a movie with just the two of them. Marco wonders if it's just him. Maybe Auba's intentions are strictly friendly and he's looking too much into this. Maybe he's expecting too much. Maybe he's going to be disappointed. Auba's still smiling at him, but Marco can see his lips quivering a bit. Auba is nervous. And just maybe, it's because of Marco. Auba, who oozes confidence in doing everything he does, is nervous. Because of him. Okay, maybe Marco's taking too long to reply.

 

“Sure,” Marco says, his voice surprisingly steady, “My place or yours?”

 

Auba's lips are steady again and his already wide smile stretches even wider somehow. “How about mine?”

 

“Sounds good,” Marco smiles back, finally easing into the conversation.

 

“Well, come on then,” Auba says playfully, “Let's train first, Megara.”

 

Marco's a little baffled when he hears it. He's not quite sure if Auba is calling him Megara because he was singing the song or if Auba knows something he shouldn't. The cryptic smirk Auba sends his way doesn't help him either. Marco decides to shrug it off for now. He feels like he might find out what it means pretty soon anyway. Maybe then, even out loud, he can say he's in love.


End file.
